At the end of 2002 I was thinking about the Portal as transition between Alternate Realities. More than once I’ve tried to go back to these ruminations and remember just what it was that grabbed me. Here’s my journal entry from 30 December:
Is there a Different way to encounter Reality? Is there a way to encounter a Different Reality? These aren’t the same question; however, they may be interdependent. To encounter a Different Reality requires that you become a Different Self.
The Portal is the place where you become, and encounter, Difference. You pull your Self apart from the Reality of which you are a part. In that Separation you encounter another Self, and another Reality. Self and Reality relink with each other: the Interval. Or perhaps the Interval is the process of going over, permanently, to a Different Self and Reality. Or not.
For Transubstantiation to work, the Object becomes two substances. Bu so too does the Subject. To partake of the Body and Blood, you either share in the Life or in the Death. These are two alternative Realities, which require two alternative Selves: the New Self, which you put on, which you are transformed into; or the Old Self, which is Death.
The Praxis requires you to set your Self aside and to set your Reality aside. You thereby encounter either a new or an old (dead) Reality, a new or an old (dead) Self.
In the Portal, the one becomes two, then remerges into a Different one. A Self of two natures emerges, which is uncanny. And a Reality of two natures also emerges, uncanny. You separate and double, as does the Reality. Then either your live Self merges with live Reality, or your dead Self merges with dead Reality. Three Selves; 3 Realities! Square, New (alive), Old (dead). Not body, soul, spirit – square, alive dead!
Can you experience these splits of Self and World, these doublings and triplings of Self and World, the Mystical Union of a Different Self and a Different World? As Paul did; a different law at war within his Self, another Self. A spawning ground of other Selves and other Realities. To feel it that way; to drop the unified Self aside, along with unified Reality. To know that Self and Reality must be pried apart in order to jump tracks. There it is! A way of the Portal! Yes, is it so?
Is this the Pragmatics of Delirium? Or at least, what the Pragmatics is to achieve? Splitting, doubling, mystical union – Biblical stuff.
Not Medieval, but Postmodern. A Destruction and a Creation, that leads to Emergence. New Life, not oneness with the Old through death.
Or is this the Terrible Mystery? Death and life must double, separate, merge.
People can potentially run many versions of themselves. You get a glimpse of a doubling or a tripling, a multiplication of Self. The danger is trying to balance them all – you become fragmented, divided within yourself. Resoluteness!
There isn’t a permanent supply of Bread/Body in transubstantiated state. It comes into being temporarily, then it is eaten: merged with Self. Miracles are required; Portals open and close.